Falling Softly
by FightTheLightTonight
Summary: Revan struggles when her true identity is revealed and reflects on how it has changed all her relationships she's formed especially the one concerning a certain pilot.


_**A/N:**_ _So I wrote this for KOTOR holiday cheer on tumblr for jicklet. Now I've never written a fic before and I'm sure I'm all over the place but I wanted to at least try my hand at it. So please be nice with your reviews and hopefully enjoy._

 **Softly Falling**

The snow drifted silently through the treetops as Revan walked along the narrow path. She still wasn't used to that name. Revan; jedi knight, war hero, and mass murderer. How many had she killed in her forgotten life? All the people who would never be able to see their family ever again, whose lives would remain as frozen in time as the snowy landscape that surrounded herself.

She sighed loudly and watched the billowing steam form and dissipate into the air. She hated this, a small part of her wanted to believe it was all a mistake, that she really was just a small time smuggler operating in the Outer Rim. But she knew better, the more she heard her true name spoken, the more she felt the connection to it.

It seemed like years had passed since her and her crew's capture by the _Leviathan_. Everything that had transpired on that ship from the realization of her true identity to leaving Bastilla to face torture at the hands of her old apprentice haunted Revan in both her dreams and in her waking hours. But that wasn't even the most painful part of learning the truth, it was watching how her friends and crewmates treated her.

While most of her crew objected to treating her differently and still referred to her by the name the Jedi Council had given her there still was a shift between them.. She could see the tinge of fear in Mission's eye when Revan would approach her for a game of pazaak. She could see the silent looks of disapproval from Juhani and looks of pity from Jolee when they would do their daily meditation. And Canderous was almost too excited to know her identity, constantly wanting to know everything about how she created her battle plans to how she must have intercepted Mandalorian secure trasmitions all from a war she no longer remembered.

The worst look of all was from Carth. She had seen Carth look at her in many ways but never unbridled hate. She once thought there might be more between them but that didn't matter now, whatever had been between them was gone the moment Malak revealed the truth. He avoided her constantly, never speaking to her unless absolutely necessary. In fact, him telling her they needed to stop off on this Echani colony world for repairs was the most he had spoke to her in almost a week.

She enjoyed this time walking in the woods a short walk from the spaceport, it allowed her to clear her thoughts and made her feel more connected to the Force. Sensing all the small creatures burrowed away for the winter unaware that the galaxy was falling apart in the skies above them. She continued to move through the trees listening to the sound of her boots softly crunch in the snow.

She continued for a bit until she reached a clearing, what was surely a beautiful meadow in the spring, was now an unbroken ring of snow and standing in the center was a male figure gazing at the stars as snow fell in his hair. She recognized him immediately as she broke the tree line, from the stern posture from his life in the military to his trademark bright orange jacket (something that only he could ever think was anything but ugly) she would recognize him anywhere. Her heart momentarily leaped at the sight of him before she remembered they were no longer friends let alone anything more. She was certain he would rather kiss a hutt than speak to her. As Revan turned to leave a twig broke beneath her feet revealing her presence to the stargazing figure.

Carth turned around in a flash, his hand moving to the blaster at his hip.

"Whose there?", it was too late to retreat back into the trees so Revan stepped forward removing her hood and call back, "It's just me, Carth.". After recognizing who it was Carth relaxed a bit before replacing his hand back on his blaster.

"What are you doing out here anyway?'', his question was accusatory as if she was doing something wrong by being out in the woods alone.

"I just wanted to be alone, I didn't realize that was illegal on this planet."

"Well you can never be to careful, especially with jedi. One day they are war heroes the next they're sith lords set to rule the known galaxy." He shrugged as he met her gaze as if his statement was something you'd casually say about the weather.

"That's pretty low and you know it."

"Like you don't deserve it? What the jedi wipe your mind and suddenly that absolves you of everything you did!? I would kill you myself if we didn't need you in order to finish this mission."

"Is that all I am to you Carth? A means to an end? So what, we defeat Malak and then you shoot me in the back of the head is that it? And then medals for everyone! Because you made damn sure Darth Revan cleaned up her mess and atoned for her crimes."

She let her words hang in the air before motioning towards his blaster that his hand still rested on and quietly asked,

"Could you honestly pull the trigger?"

Carth broke his gaze as he slowly rubbed his hand over his face and answered,

"No, I couldn't pull the trigger. Not after…..everything. But you can't expect me to go back to the way things were and pretend that you're someone you're not."

"No, but I'm sick of the amenosity between us. I don't blame you for hating me but I need you to know I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix what I've done. I don't know what Revan's reasons were, what my reasons were, but I won't stop trying to make right the wrongs I've done in the past."

"There's some wrongs you can't put right, Revan."

"I know, but what else can I do? I can't change the past Carth, in fact, I can't even remember my past. The only things I remember, the only things that feel real, are the memories I have with you." And there it was the second ugly secret Carth had to hear. Even if she hadn't come outright and said it, it was there between her words. The only memories that felt real were the ones after she met him. The council's imprinted memories were too clear and shiny while the flashes or her former life were hazy and confusing. The memories that she cherished were of Carth; he had saved her from burning wreckage, he had once called her beautiful, he had shared his worse memory with her, he stayed by her side when she was afraid to sleep because of her visions, and he had watched in admiration as she became a jedi; it really wasn't a surprise that she had fallen in love with him.

"What are you saying? You have no good memories before meeting me?"

"No real ones anyway, look it doesn't matter does it? Everything before Saul and Malak doesn't matter. Besides where would we be if the _Leviathan_ hadn't have happened anyways? Let's just head back to the ship ok? You can go back to silently hating me when we get there."

Revan turned to leave but Carth reached forward and grabbed her arm.

"There's more to it than that, it's not just the memories. You….you actually, but…but you're a jedi?" Carth stared incredulously at her as their breath swirled in the air between them.

"What does it matter Carth? What I feel doesn't matter anymore. You're right we should focus on the mission at hand. It's not like you…"

Carth closed the distance between them and pressed his lips firmly to hers. At first she found herself unable to process what was happening, didn't he hate her? Why would he kiss her out of pity? But instinct prevailed over reason as she found herself kissing him back. His lips were warm and soft which contrasted with his beard stubble scratching her lower chin. He tasted like cider and smelled of worn leather and engine grease. It seemed like all her senses were flooded by nothing but Carth and it made her feel like her heart would explode it was beating so rapidly in her chest. When they finally broke apart she studied his face. His widow's peak had fallen in his face again and his cheeks were a light shade of pink whether from the cold or their kiss she couldn't be sure. Carth suddenly let out a quick bark of laughter and cleared his throat before softly saying,

" So uh for the record, that's where we'd be if the _Leviathan_ had never happened."

She smirked at his remark before replying,

"Do you think we can go back to then?"

"Well it's like you said, you can't change the past but you can work towards the future. And I think I'd like for my future to involve you. But I just need time to….process….all….this first."

"That's far more than I could have ever asked."

"Well then, let's head back to the ship."

"Together?"

"Of course together. I need a co pilot don't I?"

"Oh really? You kiss all your co pilots like that?"

"Only the beautiful ones."

"Uh huh."

As they walked back to the Ebon Hawk together Revan felt like a heavy cloud had been lifted. She knew things would probably never go back to the way things were before, but if Carth meant what he said she did have hope for the future whatever it might be.

 _ **A/N:**_ _So wow really amazed almost 150 people have read this! It's about 6 months but I finally reread through and edited all the mistakes I missed the first go around. Hopefully if you read this you at least mildly enjoyed it. But please let me know if I missed anymore mistakes or if you'd like me write some more about these space goons. 3 CC_


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